The Gift of Release
Something quite extraordinary happens when you are given the gift of release.
What you once thought of as the only way your life could go was the direction your nose and feet were headed…. but… what if….
You are given a shove that derails you. The kind of shove that stuns you. The kind of shove that makes you look up and say, “did that just happen?”
I was on the wheel. You’ve seen them. The little spinning ones that the little critters board to chase the non existent cheese that is somewhere beyond the next spin. I was earning the money to pay for the stuff that I couldn’t even enjoy from exhaustion.
I was miserable. I chased after a relationship with God that if I wake up at just the right time and follow just the right plan, I surely could obtain. But didn’t….
I wanted answers.
But built up under all the wheels and time lines and exhaustion…was anger.
The uncontrollable kind. The kind that no matter how cool calm and collected you are, one little touch sets you off.
That’s not me. Where did it come from?
What begins as a rebuttal to a friendly conversation boils up into a snarling monster popping out of me…
So my voice raises and my neck inflames. And it comes out. Anger. Uncontrollable anger.
So I searched. I searched for answers. I brought home every book and watched every youtube and listened to every mentor I could.
Until the release.
This wasn’t the first time.
It was the fourth.
The first three were just me stepping off one wheel and hopping on another. Not really finding any answers. Not really fixing anything. But every time crying out to God to make it different.
Jumping back in out of fear. Fear of lack, fear of the quiet. My will to fix it.
Not this time.
This time I let Abba take control. This time I trusted Him with my future. This time I took my hands off. And He did.
It wasn’t easy. Everything inside of me wanted to scream at myself to jump on the wheel again. Every situation had a dollar figure attached to it. And I wanted to return to what I knew to do.
But the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and getting same results.
This time I would do it His way.
Turns out. HE’S TRUSTWORTHY…..
I have seen Him move on my behalf. A job manifesting at just he right time to pay a bill. An article of clothing appearing at the thrift shop that I just happened to need. Ebay items selling when I was about to give up and ditch it.
I always wanted direction for my purpose in life. I wanted to know – what was the perfect will for my life?
You know what I think my purpose is? Availability……As I get with Him. Get in His Word. Worship like crazy in the songs that bring out the passion in me. Everything melts away and I am at rest. He just wants me to sit down and take a breath. The wheels will still spin around me. But I don’t have to board.
I have chosen another ride. I call it the rollercoaster of God. I sit down, buckle up, and see where the ride takes me. Because when I let him take the lead, even the crooked places straighten. I don’t have to fear failure. My availability keeps me in the perfect will of God. And if I veer off, His Mercy and Grace are there to clean up my messes.
And as I ride this coaster, the anger is falling away.
Thank you Abba. Thank you for the gift of release.